Monday, April 6, 2009

When a Submissive Is Not a Sub

I made a horrible mistake today on Twitter. I answered a kink question of the day. Normally, such action doesn't result in such a negative outcome. Typically when someone poses a question on Twitter, they have a genuine desire to learn more, to expand their horizons and see things from new perspectives. Other times, the twitterer is simply seeking answers to an unknown. Neither was the case with the kink question I responded to today.

I knew when I responded to the question that it wasn't a good idea. I'd contemplated unfollowing this woman for well over a week. She's prescriptive, narrow-minded, elitist and nasty. She followed me first, and I'm usually good about following back any other naughty twitterer. Her past tweets sure seemed like someone I might be interested in following. Even if her tagline is tremendously cliche (You can take the girl out of the kink but you can't take the kink out of the girl).

Yet, I plugged in my answer to her rather asinine question for someone claiming to be a submissive. To avoid hitting any alerts, I'll paraphrase the question: Is a dom being insecure when they test their submissive?

Now, anyone who's been in the scene for even a fraction of time knows that when you submit to another, you give them control over your life. The dom will test the shit out of your resolve, or at least a true dom will do so. There are certainly exceptions, as with anything.

Still, I bit on the question and answered that I thought that it is not a sign of insecurity for a dom to test their sub; it shows the dom cares.

That's when it all started. This dumb ass, wannabe sub starts telling me that I'm wrong. I then maintain my mistake by continuing to engage her, to explain myself, only to continuously get rebuffed and told that I don't know what I'm talking about and that I'm wrong. At one point I'm so flustered that I want to scream out, "Fuck you, know-it-all. Are you testing me? Don't ask a question if you don't want to hear answers that might not agree with your limited perspective."

But I refrained.

Instead, I pressed on and even went as far as to point out that I've never found her tweets to sound like they came from a submissive.

This fired her up and she shot back with "perhaps my tweets do not sound submissive to you because I am not submissive to you."

Christ almighty! Are you kidding me? Seriously.

I tried to blow it off. I even wrote back that it was meant as a compliment, calling her voice powerful without defending myself.

Then this childish little jab started getting re-tweeted by people who weren't even in on my side of the conversation and making me look like I was trying to assert myself over this bullshit "sub." They were high-fiving her like she burned me but good. The more I thought about that retweeted nastiness, the more pissed I got. Until now, I've had only the best of times on Twitter. Now all of a sudden, I'm a stupid asshole who got his come-uppance?

I kept repeating over and over and over that negotiating terms before entering a D/s relationship is important. That as long as the D is acting in accordance to the terms, then they're doing their part.

When it all came down to it, after she finally explained what being a "submissive" meant to her, that's when I realized she wasn't actually a sub at all. Her role as a submissive was to play the supportive, submissive wife who puts her man's needs above her own. WTF!

I don't care what the rest of those empowered subbies thought. Point is, this bitch is not a submissive, and she does not understand what a submissive is when it comes to powerplay.

I went back to pull up some of the tweets that pissed me off for the purpose of writing this post; I discovered she wrote a guest blog post for her new sub mentor. I hold nothing against the mentor, even though he was one of the twitterers high-fiving her for "socking" it to me.

He is blatant about being a "sensual submissive mentor." He uses the phrase "I want you to" most of the time, but I can see what's really going on. He's not pushing any boundaries, he's just having phone sex with a vanilla girl who wishes she were half as kinky as she professes. I could see the blatant come-on lines professing her words as being well-crafted like poetry and butterflies. Sure, who doesn't like to be flattered, right? Well, sorry, but that just isn't an assertive aggressive role for a dominant.

I'm not saying that what these two are up to is incorrect, per se, but it certainly isn't any form of powerplay I've ever seen. I mean, really, just because you say "I want you to lay back, spread your legs and touch yourself," that doesn't make the person doing it a submissive. If that were the case, anytime another person consented to have sex with another who asked would be acting the sub role, right?

If it had just been the supposed submissive who was calling me out for having a more hardcore version of the submissive's role, I would have done fine. But numerous people jumped to her side to basically tell me that I was wrong in thinking that a submissive is one who has the will of another imposed upon them.

We're talking about a BDSM term here people! All the references about "who wants a doormat for a sub?" demonstrate such a lack of understanding of the psychological forces behind powerplay. Most subs want to relinquish their control to their dom and to be pushed to their limits. That's why there's a little thing called a "safe word."

The worst thing for me now is that I had been considering unfollowing her because I have never liked her tweets after I started following her. She's a closed-minded bully who belittles anyone who doesn't fall lock-step with her. She likes to claim she enjoys good conversations, but it's not the case. She's just rude. Maybe in a couple weeks after I've ignored her completely, I'll say buh-bye for good.


  1. Nah, keep following her tweets. Controversy creates traffic, right? They say there's no such thing as bad publicity. But then again, I don't use Twitter because I don't text.

    I was trying to send you this email:

    Hi. I'm blogging to hone my erotica writing skills and to support my phone sex listings on NiteFlirt. I liked your profile (which I found through clicking a common interest, maybe sex or bdsm, I can't remember. I'm getting frustrated with Blogspot atm) and wanted to friend you or follow one of your blogs or something. I can't figure out how all of this works exactly there a certain blog you'd recommend that I follow to keep in touch with you? I'm in case you're interested.

    I'm pretty sure you can delete my comment if you feel I'm some type of spambot or an unworthy, attention-grubbing whore. But I'd like to make new friends (followers?) on Blogspot and I enjoy what I've read of your work thus far. I just signed up to the pinging tool you blogged about elsewhere. (I also bookmarked that blog)

  2. Yeah, I probably will continue to follow her tweets. I'm cool with controversy. In fact, I relish in it. The thing that pisses me off most about her is how she asks an open question, then follows it up by telling people their wrong when their answers don't match her own views.

    Her tweets about what constitutes a submissive did indeed leave me second guessing myself... for about a day. Then as I pored through many craiglist postings, I felt validated.

    Most craigslist posters seeking to be subbed request the same thing - to be forced to do things.

    In the tweeter's case, she needs to realize that she has a very different form of submissiveness than the standard model. Instead of trying to convince the majority of other subs and masters that they're wrong, she should take the opportunity to coin a term for her particular expression of submissiveness.