Tuesday, August 4, 2009

TMI Tuesday #198 - Relationships

1. Family is my life, when it comes to my most immediate family (my wife and sons).

2. Friends are few, because I'm too much of a shut-in. I'm slowly working on building new friendships, but it's hard as I want only to bring in true friends, those who will not judge me for my true debauched and libidinous nature.

Too many in my town treat sex like a holy grail to be treated only with the highest respect and to pursue only in monogamous and spiritually enriching ways. "Fucking" to fuck is considered by most in my town as oppressive and just plain wrong. Porn represents the worst of the worst for most here, and for me, well, I love it! And open marriages? Again, most here view it as creepy and wrong.

3. Exes are good masturbation fodder.

4. Strangers are even better masturbation fodder. I've recently been waking every morning with a hard-on and one stranger's face blasting my vision.

5. Relationships last longer when everyone is honest with each other. My wife and I beat the seven year itch by switching our exclusive marriage to an open one. Humans by nature are not exclusive (monogamous).

Bonus: Tell us about your first love...

Gads, this is a tough one. The thing about love is that it's so different depending on who you talk to. I had heavy crushes on some in high school and before, but I'll focus on the first girl to whom I said, "I love you."

Anita was one of my best friend's girlfriend. Actually, I knew her before him and held deep resentment toward him at first. I wanted her so badly. She had the greatest smile in the world and seductively catty eyes. She was smart, but also a little dingy for the sake of appearing "cool." She had that big eighties hair and wore tight jeans that made her big ass pop. Overall, though, she was just so damned sweet to me.

After my best friend had gone off to college in Ohio and the two of them broke it off, I mustered up the courage to ask Anita out. Surprisingly, she jumped right on the chance to go to Fur Rendezvous with me. She was the first girl I had sex to completion with, the first girl I slept all night with, the first girl to confess my love to. Unfortunately, she was also the first girl to break my heart and to cuck me.

For a few months, I had asked her to commit to me, to tell others she was my girlfriend. I confessed that I would even adopt her Nazarene religion just to be with her. Still, she was mostly icy toward me on that front. I felt so desperate in regards to her. My gut would twist everytime she'd go out and I'd often hound her phone to catch her just as she'd get home from partying. For months, I begged her and acted like quite the pathetic desperado.

I told her over and over how much I loved her, wanting nothing more than for her to return my love. Instead, she distanced herself further. Then I started hearing stories about how she kept fucking around with other dudes, even having sex with them. Of course, she denied it all but the very thought of her infidelity wrenched me. Finally, and heart-wrenchingly, I told her I couldn't take it any longer. I had to break it off, for my sanity. Still, I couldn't ever get over her, calling her at all hours just to hear her voice.

In retrospect, I was so pathetic and I wouldn't have chosen my 18 year old self either. I was looking for someone to complete me, and I don't blame Anita for rebuffing me. No one wants a half a person, after all.

TMI Tuesday Personal Count #13

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