Friday, October 9, 2009

Morning Malaise

Some mornings, I wake with a deep ache in my heart. My shoulders slump and my feet drag. All I want to do is curl back up in bed and wait for another day to find me.

These days of morning malaise are almost always related to a lack of love. Or rather, the lack of feeling loved.

This day I suffer morning malaise.

Why so sad?
For me, love is attentive. If those I love fail to at least call me every few days, my heart is eschewed. It starts to ache. My heart is like a toddler that requires the periodic check-in with its first source of love.

Today's malaise is the direct result of neither my wife or my OSO calling me for days.

I called my wife a couple days ago, and she was all-too eager to get me off the phone with promises of calling me back, almost with a dash of irritation. Just a few days earlier, she was calling me 2-3 times a day.

Then there's, my OSO (Other Significant Other). She is so non-attentive and sporadic in her calls to me that I often mentally give up on her. Then she'll call or text, and I get all excited again only to have her go missing once again.

My heart just needs to feel someone close, to have someone tell me they love me. They don't even have to be physically here with me. I just need confirmation.

On mornings like this, I wish I'd never let my love for my OSO re-blossom. On mornings like this, I resent my wife for making me give up Allie because of the anger she harbored for her over their sour grapes. Allie loved me so deeply, was so attentive, was so loving, was such a perfect fit for me, and she's gone. I could use her love this morning.

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