Sunday, November 25, 2012

Vaginas Are Like Memory Foam


Although it sounds like complete objectifying crap, it’s true. Vaginas are like memory foam. With use, they conform to the shape of the object using it. During times of disuse, they tighten up and taken on a generically tubular shape.

In reality, the vagina is a muscle. As such, it has the general qualities associated with the synthetic material known as memory foam. In very much the same way, the vaginal walls take on the general shape and size of the penis that was last inside it.

This statement is not something of which I can point to some scientific study to back me up. Rather, it is a statement made based on my own observations. Why should my observations bear any weight? I am married to a woman who has had sex with well over 800 men since we've been married.

In the time we've been together, I have felt second-hand the size and shape of my wife’s lovers. At one time, she had an especially large-dicked lover who’d take her for one night every three months. When she’d come back, I could barely feel myself inside her at first. It usually took a couple minutes before she’d shrink back down to hug my cock firmly enough to create friction. By the end of the fuck, her pussy would assume the size and shape of my dick.

These days, the majority of men she fucks have dicks much smaller than mine. She always jokes that she’s virginal, and essentially, she is. If it weren't for how easily her pussy opens up to receive after inside, the way her pussy “cherry pops” when I first enter her would make her virginity declaration seem mostly true.

Even with the small dicks, though, I can feel the shape of the guys who came before me. That’s a lot of the reason why I prefer sloppy seconds, or as a more positive term I recently discovered calls it, silky seconds.

My long-time best friend who I rarely talk to has demonstrated chauvinistic attitudes toward sex. So, I was glad when he recently hooked up with a woman who hadn't had sex in well over a decade. His words were, “Let me tell you, ‘like a viiirgin’.”

On one hand, it’s pretty lame because he’s the type to slut shame. A woman who hasn't had sex in 12 years has a high level of purity, so he feels he’s achieved a certain victory that exemplifies some of the grandest stereotypes about males. On the other hand, it’s shown that a woman who has had a child doesn't have a pussy that’s been ruined for life.

To return to my wife, there’s something she’s learned as a legal prostitute. Ho’s have tight pussies because they’re always getting worked. The pussy’s a muscle after all.

Despite the oft-repeated lament that vaginas are ruined if a woman has a baby or is a slut, all signs point to vaginas as miraculous fucking machines.

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